Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Ladies and gentlemen, we proudly present....The Sellouts!

I had a stray weird idea tonight which might just be...hold your breath...GOOD. See, when I return to the States, assuming I have enough money, time and musical energy, I'll try to form a rough punky sorta band called the Sellouts. The avowed intention, aim and desire of The Sellouts will be to...yeep...SELL OUT. Their only goal will be to improve themselves to the point where they can make very radio and MTV-friendly music and grow incredibly rich. Forget all that anti-corporate, angry young rock attitude...these guys want to make money and have big houses and swimming pools. Look, back in my embryonic rock and roll days (1992 or so) EVERY young band in my vicinity seemed to Hate. The. Evil. Music. Companies. That kind of attitude gets tiring if everybody feels that way. It's a business after all, so hell, why don't we all make a little coin? Leave the "we're-such-dedicated-artists poor hurt us" feelings to somebody else.

The Sellouts will want to be big. Huge. Obese. They will want to play baseball stadiums and Donald Trump birthday parties. They'll do a special gig for the crazy investment banker who budgeted half a million bucks for his kid's bar mitzvah. They'll mug on MTV interviews as if their careers depend on it...which, in fact, they will. They'll do their utmost to cultivate Bill Clinton as a fan. They will issue new albums as often as people change shoes. They will play acoustic covers of U2 songs and throw spent drumsticks to 15-year old girls in the audience. They will do any photo op Paris Hilton asks them to. Every album will contain at least one weepy ballad, if not three. Autographs? Sure, man, anytime. $5 if we mail it to you.

This could all be very, very funny if done the right way and with the correct amount of irony.

I can picture it, too. Horrifying 1980s touches like spandex - for no reason at all - and obligatory guitar solos. Bad videos featuring plenty of explosions. Bass guitars colored pink and 15 kinds of tom tom on the drum kit. A wireless mike for the singer so he can climb an amp stack while singing and look really cool. Anything and everything connected with The Sellouts would be completely ridiculous.

I'm not entirely kidding. It's late and maybe I'm not thinking 100% straight but in the right pair of hands it could work. Maybe it won't be me forming this project, maybe somebody else better located and with more energy...any takers? Go ahead and try. Just remember to thank me in the CD insert when the album comes out. And give me a discount on those autographs, willya?


ErinOrtlund said...

Hi, Can you email me at

Saw you listed as a reference on Les Edelman's website. Have a question for you.


Anonymous said...

And if you make the big time, you could really sell out on eBay like these guys